Program Notes
Date this lecture was recorded: May 3, 2017
For convincing your relatives about the power of MDMA, have them listen to the first story in this episode and then read this article where Oprah’s senior editor reports on the healing and then tries it herself: Inside the Investigation: Can MDMA Heal Psychological Trauma?
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544 - Biodiversity Is Biosecurity
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Transcript
00:00:00 ►
Greetings from Cyberdelic Space, this is Lorenzo and I’m your host here in Psychedelic Salon
00:00:23 ►
2.0.
00:00:24 ►
This is Lorenzo, and I’m your host here in Psychedelic Salon 2.0.
00:00:30 ►
And while the stories we are about to listen to will be coming to us from Victoria, Canada,
00:00:32 ►
where they were recorded a month or so back,
00:00:38 ►
well, after being edited and put into a podcast by people living far from one another,
00:00:41 ►
the final version was just now sent to me by Lex Pelger,
00:00:45 ►
who, at this moment, is in the deserts of Utah, driving on Route 50, the loneliest road in America, or so I’ve heard.
00:00:51 ►
And all of this is taking place on what here in the United States is a long national Fourth
00:00:58 ►
of July holiday, where people who don’t really have a clue about history celebrate in all
00:01:03 ►
kinds of ways.
00:01:04 ►
where people who don’t really have a clue about history celebrate in all kinds of ways.
00:01:10 ►
When I was a boy, we would spend months gathering all of the empty bottles we could find in the neighborhood.
00:01:16 ►
Then we would turn them in for their deposit money and buy massive amounts of fireworks with it.
00:01:24 ►
Almost everybody I knew, including myself, had at least once picked up a recently burned out sparkler and got some serious burns on the hand.
00:01:28 ►
But one of my friends, in fact, lost part of a finger to a firecracker.
00:01:32 ►
However, I don’t remember any houses having burned down.
00:01:36 ►
Restrictions on fireworks now apply in most places,
00:01:40 ►
but that never seemed to slow people down in Texas, as I recall.
00:01:44 ►
Anyway, I’ve now run the gamut of various ways to celebrate the 4th of July.
00:01:49 ►
I’ve marched in parades, and I’ve picketed parades.
00:01:53 ►
I’ve built floats and raced sailboats on the 4th of July.
00:01:57 ►
But tomorrow, on my 75th 4th of July,
00:02:00 ►
I’m simply going to have a few tokes off my vaporizer,
00:02:07 ►
open a bottle of Guinness, and put my headphones on, and then listen to this podcast that Lex on the Road Pelger is about to introduce.
00:02:18 ►
Today’s show is made possible through your crowdfunded support on Patreon. Unlike other
00:02:23 ►
crowdfunding sites, Patreon lets you chip in a few bucks a month
00:02:25 ►
to help us keep the lights on.
00:02:27 ►
Find out more at patreon.com
00:02:29 ►
slash symposia.
00:02:50 ►
I’m Lex Pelger, and this is Symposia on the Psychedelic Salon 2.0.
00:02:59 ►
The stories this week come from Victoria, on Vancouver Island in Canada.
00:03:05 ►
From our storytelling night at the university, quite an interesting mix of stories emerged.
00:03:11 ►
I believe the first one is especially powerful to be coming out on this Fourth of July weekend,
00:03:14 ►
because it comes from a female veteran of the Iraq wars.
00:03:19 ►
These stories demonstrate why we fight for these medicines, what to watch out for,
00:03:23 ►
and as Mary Porter said last week, how to be wise in the questions we ask.
00:03:25 ►
I hope you enjoy.
00:03:41 ►
So hi, my name is Robin. I’m actually from Portland, Oregon, originally from Wisconsin, so I’m from the U.S., and I’m sorry about Trump, guys.
00:03:46 ►
I didn’t vote that way. I feel like I need to say that when I’m out of the country,
00:03:53 ►
just apologize profusely. So my experience with this was that I was actually in the military. I
00:04:03 ►
was in the Army, and I got deployed to Iraq in 2003 right after the initial invasion.
00:04:09 ►
And I was a truck driver.
00:04:11 ►
And so my unit, we ran the logistic release point on Biop International Airport,
00:04:17 ►
or I’ll just say Biop.
00:04:20 ►
And we went on missions every day, driving around to forward operating bases.
00:04:25 ►
And so it’s like one of the worst jobs that you can have being a truck driver in the military.
00:04:30 ►
That’s pretty much who they like to kill.
00:04:34 ►
And so I eventually, I got out and I was actually going to continue my career in the military. I wanted to stay in 20 years and become an officer because I really liked the camaraderie and the family that the military gave me, which is something I never had
00:04:49 ►
before in my life. And so, but unfortunately I came home from Iraq and I ended up having an
00:04:58 ►
incident during training and they found out I had PTSD and I got diagnosed with it and I got kicked out
00:05:06 ►
and they eventually medically retired me and I struggled for a really long time. Uh, I had a
00:05:14 ►
couple of suicidal attempts and I just never really saw, there’s something about seeing the depravity of humanity and knowing that yourself can go there too
00:05:27 ►
and there’s so much shame and
00:05:31 ►
just disgust
00:05:35 ►
and why should I continue living?
00:05:39 ►
Why should I be sucking up air?
00:05:42 ►
Taking up any kind of space when clearly I’m just a horrible person who participated in this war that really was not about what it was supposed to be about.
00:05:54 ►
I mean, we knew that as soon as we got to Iraq, that we weren’t there to help anybody.
00:05:59 ►
And so I struggled a lot.
00:06:04 ►
I was hospitalized quite a few times.
00:06:06 ►
I tried multiple different treatments with the VA, which is the Veterans Affairs, and nothing worked.
00:06:13 ►
And I actually found myself, I had found a way to kind of like try to be more engaged,
00:06:25 ►
way to kind of like try to be more engaged and it was talking about clean energy and national security and how it was very important for us to move towards a clean energy future for the
00:06:31 ►
national security of the United States and I was just leaving I was I was I had done some public
00:06:37 ►
speaking on that and I was going home to Wisconsin and I was on a plane and I was reading an Oprah magazine and there was a story in there about how
00:06:45 ►
MDMA could cure PTSD. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, I need to know about
00:06:53 ►
this because I knew I was going to go home and that it was just going to be a matter of time
00:06:58 ►
before I killed myself. And so, um, I actually Googled, I went home and I googled it and I found the doctors in South
00:07:06 ►
Carolina the myth overs that were part of this FDA study and I wrote to them and I was like I’m
00:07:12 ►
a female Iraq war veteran I’m you know really interested I need help please and I managed to
00:07:18 ►
get into the study and so I went three times and it was a double-blind study. Three times I did the low dose, which didn’t affect me.
00:07:27 ►
Then after that, they said, okay, now you get to do the full dose.
00:07:30 ►
So I got to do the full dose three times.
00:07:34 ►
The way it works is you’re – I mean, some of it, I saw the movie.
00:07:38 ►
It was kind of like that.
00:07:39 ►
You basically lay down.
00:07:41 ►
They give you the medication, and you’re there with a doctor and a nurse the entire time.
00:07:46 ►
And then once the medication wears off, then somebody still stays with you overnight.
00:07:51 ►
So it’s very constructive how they do it.
00:07:57 ►
But yeah, so anyway, so I did the three doses and it really, it really changed a lot for me.
00:08:08 ►
I mean, it didn’t make everything better, but I used to almost shake from the anxiety.
00:08:13 ►
Like, it was so bad you could see it on me.
00:08:16 ►
And there was this one point where I remember there was a skylight above the daybed that I was laying on. There was
00:08:26 ►
a skylight and you could see the blue sky and the clouds. And I just remember for a second
00:08:32 ►
feeling total peace. And I had never felt that before because I’ve been fighting since I was
00:08:42 ►
born. My parents were horrible human beings and beat me and allowed others to beat me. And so, you know, it wasn’t just the trauma from the military. It’s just, I guess the military was the cake or the last straw.
00:09:08 ►
sitting there, I, I felt peace. I felt real peace. And I had never felt that before. And Annie and Michael, the mythovers that were with me, you know, they’re just like soak it in,
00:09:12 ►
soak in every second. And I don’t remember it really lasting very long, but I guess that’s
00:09:19 ►
just the thing that I keep. It feels like I’ve always been in this like dark tunnel with no light at the end of it.
00:09:25 ►
And that was kind of like the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that there, there is peace
00:09:32 ►
somewhere. And unfortunately, because it’s an FDA study there, you only can do three doses and
00:09:39 ►
that’s it. And so despite the fact that they wish they could give me more, there’s nothing they can do
00:09:45 ►
and it’s still illegal. And so I just have to, you know, bide my time and wait until 2021
00:09:51 ►
or when it becomes legal again to try to get some more treatments. Because, you know, things have
00:09:59 ►
definitely gotten better. I can volunteer now. I leave my house more than once every two weeks. Um, so it’s
00:10:07 ►
gotten better, but you know, I also see a lot of my friends, I’m losing a lot of friends who served
00:10:12 ►
in Iraq and Afghanistan at it. They’re killing themselves. And, uh, and I still deal with
00:10:17 ►
suicidal ideation a lot. And, uh, so I really just, I want it to be legal and I want people to know about it because it’s, you know, we’re sending all of these people to wars that, and damaging them in ways that you can’t even understand.
00:10:35 ►
And then to not have any kind of therapy or anything that would work.
00:10:40 ►
And the MDMA really helped me. And so I just, when I get really down,
00:10:49 ►
I just try to remember that little bit of time
00:10:52 ►
looking up at that blue sky and the clouds
00:10:54 ►
and knowing that there is peace somewhere
00:10:56 ►
and that hopefully someday I will get to the light
00:10:59 ►
at the end of the tunnel.
00:11:01 ►
So I think that’s it.
00:11:04 ►
Thank you. tunnel. So I think that’s it.
00:11:27 ►
My name is Brooklyn. I want to share an experience that intensely changed my life.
00:11:33 ►
Yeah, and like gave me the strength for like who I am today.
00:11:39 ►
Regardless if it was like really challenging to my core, like brought me to where I am today.
00:11:43 ►
So it’s like I am really grateful for it regardless of what you’re about to hear so I’m gonna go back to when I was 18 years old I was just starting to consciously like
00:11:56 ►
wake up into my self and into my spiritualness so basically I was like so curious and like anything that had
00:12:08 ►
the label of spiritual on it I was there and like following and listening and absorbing everything
00:12:15 ►
with like such an openness um and through that I was experimenting with a lot of different psychedelics and knew it was time to explore ayahuasca.
00:12:30 ►
So I sent that out there.
00:12:33 ►
And I, so one night, I was at a full moon gathering.
00:12:38 ►
And after we finished meditating, there was like about 30 of us meditating this pyramid in Kelowna.
00:12:44 ►
I look up and this woman’s looking at me from the other side of the room.
00:12:48 ►
And she like walks towards me and we introduce ourselves. Her name is Anna.
00:12:54 ►
And I bring up ayahuasca and she lets me know that she’s a shaman. She studied
00:13:00 ►
ayahuasca for 10 years in Peru. I was like amazing wow like my heart was like yes
00:13:07 ►
um and so I quickly began the diet and then 10 days later we’re sitting
00:13:14 ►
for a three day or three nights um ayahuasca journey
00:13:18 ►
I sit with the medicine the first night um with, with her in front of me. And, and at this point,
00:13:29 ►
like, yeah, our relationship, it’s really fluid. Like we had tea earlier and like, we’re,
00:13:34 ►
yeah, like we, we met up a few times even before the ceremony and like, she’s, she’s a friend. Um,
00:13:41 ►
and yeah, yeah, she’s a friend. And so I’m sitting at the plant, she’s like, okay, time for intentions,
00:13:49 ►
and so I have ayahuasca in my hands, in a mug, and I say, ayahuasca, my intention is to evolve as quickly as possible in this human form on earth.
00:14:10 ►
And like, I remember Anna’s face just looking at me like, okay, are you sure you’re ready?
00:14:15 ►
And like my heart’s like pounding. I’m like, yeah, like, like I’m ready. Not even knowing
00:14:20 ►
what that even means, right? Like just like knowing that I want to change and knowing that I want to become
00:14:25 ►
like the most conscious version of myself.
00:14:30 ►
And so I have that journey and it’s beautiful.
00:14:33 ►
It’s a lot of like conquering fear.
00:14:36 ►
On our third night,
00:14:37 ►
she opens up to me of where her name came from.
00:14:41 ►
So this is Anna.
00:14:42 ►
And she tells me about like her dieting with different plant
00:14:46 ►
spirits in in Peru and like at this point she’s like like she’s transforming to like my mentor
00:14:53 ►
right like just like she’s very wise um and she lets me know that she encountered two entities
00:15:01 ►
on her journey their names is Anna and and michael and these two entities um
00:15:08 ►
are claiming to be god so anna is everything physical and michael is is the thought behind
00:15:17 ►
everything and their intention is to embody human form so they can like have a human experience here on earth
00:15:27 ►
and to bring god consciousness to earth and so like me like 18 year old i’m like oh my god
00:15:33 ►
great god like i’ve always wanted to be friends with god
00:15:36 ►
and so i’m just eating that up and and so she’s telling me more. And I have, like, questions.
00:15:45 ►
And every question I have, there’s, like, an answer to that Anna and Michael that she’s channeling are providing.
00:15:51 ►
And so that’s just, like, feeding this, like, truth detector, more like a mental one.
00:15:57 ►
I’m just like, okay, like, this answer is being solved.
00:15:59 ►
Like, where is the origin of life?
00:16:01 ►
And it’s, like, it’s all right there.
00:16:04 ►
The answers are there in front of me.
00:16:06 ►
And she wrote a book about Anne and Michael and their intentions.
00:16:10 ►
Their intentions to be in this world and communicating on how people can develop their own relationship with God is what the book’s about.
00:16:20 ►
And so she gets me to peer edit it because we’re like good friends now.
00:16:23 ►
And so I’m reading all of this, like getting enthralled and absorbed into that.
00:16:28 ►
And I’m like, okay, like I want to create a relationship with God.
00:16:33 ►
And so I affirmed that.
00:16:34 ►
And at this point, I decided to intensively go on the ayahuasca diet for like three months.
00:16:42 ►
And I did another three-day um session which was
00:16:46 ►
like very profound it worked beautifully on my body um and then I’m meeting her in Castlegar
00:16:54 ►
at her place there to sit for like many ceremonies and to intensively dive into like the Anna and Michael path I guess it’s called um and yeah the more and
00:17:09 ►
more they’re there like she’s she now gave her book around to other people so other people are
00:17:12 ►
coming curious as well and like wanting to journey with the plant with like this underlying kind of
00:17:19 ►
programming of like how Anna’s physical and Michael’s the thought behind everything. So this
00:17:25 ►
is, like, all these belief structures are interwoven into, um, also these ayahuasca
00:17:31 ►
experiences and then, like, the meditations afterwards and our talks afterwards.
00:17:38 ►
Until, and so basically, like, the objective is to create, create like an alternative way of life.
00:17:45 ►
So kind of like a cult.
00:17:49 ►
And with like with these teachings to back it up.
00:17:52 ►
And so there’s like a search for, okay, we need like maybe more people or maybe create a garden to create like to be sustainable and all this stuff.
00:18:01 ►
And like in my body at this point, I was like still journeying at night sometimes.
00:18:05 ►
And my body though, it was like so tired, like just like so drained. But there was like this
00:18:13 ►
mental like appeal for like, Ooh, like a piece of candy, like another piece of truth or another
00:18:17 ►
answer to my question. Like, that’s what I was like really going off of. And that’s what I was
00:18:21 ►
like, thought I was resonating with you know rather than like
00:18:25 ►
listening to my internals and like what my body was telling me at the time and until one um
00:18:33 ►
when yeah one day her friend came from Peru to come visit her so Anna changed her name to Anna
00:18:41 ►
because she’s now embodied by Anna and Michael.
00:18:48 ►
So basically she would speak and it was like their voice would come out sometimes.
00:18:51 ►
And like at one point you’re just not too sure like who you’re even talking to.
00:18:57 ►
And I also started communicating with them as well.
00:19:02 ►
Like, yeah, I would hear voices and like I would like try and listen to that.
00:19:04 ►
And it was like the whole intention was to connect with them. Because I was, like, I was, like, thought it was truth at the time.
00:19:09 ►
And then her friend comes out from Peru, which she studied for 10 years.
00:19:14 ►
And knows her as Jessica.
00:19:16 ►
And, like, really didn’t like how much she’s changed.
00:19:19 ►
And, like, really got a bad feeling from it.
00:19:23 ►
And she lets me know that.
00:19:24 ►
She’s like, Brooke, like,
00:19:25 ►
I don’t think these entities are right. Like I get a really bad feeling from it. I asked the
00:19:30 ►
medicine, the medicine is telling me that these have like, they have negative intentions. Like
00:19:35 ►
be careful, like, like what you’re doing, like, please don’t get too wrapped into this. And I was
00:19:40 ►
just like, just like, okay, like still unsure what to,, still unsure what to think.
00:19:46 ►
And so that night, I’m just like, I want to sit with the medicine.
00:19:50 ►
And we do.
00:19:53 ►
And it’s time for our intentions, but I only whisper my intention to the plant.
00:20:00 ►
And I intend, I want to know what these entities are, is what I say.
00:20:08 ►
And like, what is the reality of these beliefs?
00:20:11 ►
Like, what is behind these beliefs?
00:20:13 ►
Am I wearing a veil?
00:20:15 ►
That’s what I asked.
00:20:17 ►
And as my experience like begins, these like sharp thorns like invade like my entire body and it’s almost like
00:20:28 ►
something’s like trying to crawl out of me and like in me but like it’s so sharp and and then
00:20:36 ►
like anna gets up and starts singing and her like whole face just like turns into a demon and like
00:20:42 ►
so does her dog and i just like we’re in the
00:20:46 ►
middle like nowhere like down a logging road for like two hours in the mountains like like it’s
00:20:52 ►
just like us and then a few other people and then like the other shaman so I just like I’m on
00:20:56 ►
ayahuasca like feeling this excruciating this like high-pitched like screaming sound in my ears and
00:21:02 ►
just like everything is wrong like it’s exactly what like
00:21:05 ►
the veil’s off like it’s exactly what like like the other shaman said so I like run upstairs
00:21:11 ►
like um see the other shaman and I’m just like oh my god like it’s happening like you’re you’re
00:21:17 ►
right she’s like get in the shower and she like like bathes me and like washes me with like my
00:21:23 ►
pot show and like yeah like she’s like you it’s
00:21:26 ►
like you can’t be on the medicine right now like it’s too like that’s too intense like you’re too
00:21:31 ►
exposed and as soon as she was saying and I was just like so excruciatingly like scared and then
00:21:38 ►
she just like locked us in a room and just like petted me until like the morning and like didn’t allow Anna to come in
00:21:45 ►
and I was just like shaking all night um I could hardly sleep
00:21:53 ►
um and then the next day I try and leave and my car wouldn’t start it was dead so we had to like
00:22:03 ►
power that and like I just wanted to like leave um like I
00:22:06 ►
saw some other people and I was like you need to stop what you’re doing that this is like she’s
00:22:10 ►
like the intention behind this is not pure like please um do not take the medicine any further
00:22:15 ►
and I just like left and like went home and at this point like I was in I was in my hometown I
00:22:23 ►
was just like in in Kelowna and I had some friends there but I was like also so like I was in I was in my hometown I was just like in in Kelowna and I had some
00:22:25 ►
friends there but I was like also so like I was so wrapped into this and telling everybody how
00:22:30 ►
excited I was I found God and that I was like embarrassed almost to tell anybody like what
00:22:36 ►
actually happened and so there was like that that was kind of um in the way of me actually truly
00:22:41 ►
getting support and like also people not believing and then it was just like this intense like alone feeling and and uh I get a call two days later and my
00:22:53 ►
grandfather died so it’s just like all of this at once but it’s perfect because like home is exactly
00:23:01 ►
where I need to be you know so I like fly home the next day,
00:23:09 ►
just perfect. My mom sits me down and is like, honey, like, so I’ve been telling my mom about this. I’m like, mom, like, yeah, I like have a personal connection with God. It’s so awesome.
00:23:12 ►
And then like, now I’m going home and being like, no, it’s totally not what I was saying.
00:23:18 ►
And before I even say that to her, she’s like, honey, I had a dream about you last,
00:23:21 ►
I had a dream last night. It was really interesting. I was like, okay, like, what is it?
00:23:23 ►
she’s like honey I had a dream about you last I had a dream last night it was really interesting I was like okay like what is it and she’s like um I had a dream that this girl had this girl that
00:23:29 ►
was blonde and Anna’s blonde had a phone in her hand and she um was was claiming like that it was
00:23:35 ►
grandpa on the phone and she um was saying um yeah she, like, she was telling me all these things that, like,
00:23:46 ►
grandpa was saying, and, like, transmuting it, and all of a sudden the phone spoke, and it was,
00:23:51 ►
like, ask her what your birthday is, and so my mom asked her, and then the girl, like,
00:23:58 ►
was, like, turned into a demon and was, like, you don’t ask me those kind of questions,
00:24:02 ►
and then my mom just, like, stands up. She’s like, you have no power here.
00:24:06 ►
And then the girl just, like, disappears.
00:24:08 ►
And so, like, that was really, really powerful for me
00:24:11 ►
because I’m like, okay.
00:24:13 ►
It’s like this ties into what I experienced
00:24:16 ►
and just knowing that, like, that, like, intense love is there
00:24:21 ►
to kind of protect me through that.
00:24:23 ►
But, yeah, like I,
00:24:26 ►
I remember hopping into a flow tank after that experience, like being so scared of being alone,
00:24:30 ►
but being like, I know I need to sit with myself right now and just observing my thoughts and like
00:24:37 ►
dissecting each of them and being like, is this my thoughts or is this like somebody else’s?
00:24:43 ►
And then like, whatever was somebody else’s thought
00:24:46 ►
just like discarding it like one by one and like really like reconnecting my body like what is my
00:24:53 ►
body saying right now okay like this is what I follow if not then like let it go and let it go
00:24:59 ►
and just like it taught me so much but how to reprogram the brain and how powerful beliefs are
00:25:07 ►
and like at that point like beliefs were just intertwined into everything I saw right it was
00:25:12 ►
like oh this is physical Michael or whatever you know like it was just ingrained in that so it was
00:25:17 ►
like really like tearing everything apart and reconstructing from like ground zero and then like I remember feeling
00:25:25 ►
this like intense hole in my stomach and then like the more and more I would like affirm
00:25:32 ►
my own thinking and affirm like my own like body sensations and um my own conscious movements like
00:25:40 ►
the more this like fire would like ignite um and the more i listened to
00:25:46 ►
like that compass that’s like internal so it was really cool to be even before this experience to
00:25:54 ►
be so lost and did not even know where who i am and then like feel like i know exactly like who i
00:26:02 ►
am because i just like feel it through and through because I have no choice. And then also it’s like, it was also a learning of like fear. So it’s like, I felt like
00:26:12 ►
regardless if I believe that there’s demons or if like, I believe in any of that, like how much
00:26:18 ►
fear holds weight. Like as soon as I felt scared, I was almost giving whatever it was like my power,
00:26:26 ►
soon as I felt scared, I was almost giving whatever it was like my power, you know, or even giving the beliefs my power. Um, so it was like also just like finding empowerment within that to be like,
00:26:33 ►
okay, there’s no need for me to be fearful right now. You know, like I hold, I hold the keys to my
00:26:39 ►
own mind. I hold the keys to my own thoughts. What I choose to think is what is real.
00:26:48 ►
And so there’s nothing to be scared of.
00:26:51 ►
Yeah.
00:26:53 ►
So it’s pretty powerful.
00:26:55 ►
Thank you. Hi, I’m Bill.
00:27:11 ►
Some of you in here.
00:27:13 ►
The story I’m going to tell tonight is one of my,
00:27:16 ►
probably, I have a lot of
00:27:18 ►
psychological experience, particularly
00:27:20 ►
with LSD
00:27:22 ►
over the years, and I have a lot of
00:27:24 ►
stories, but there’s one that’s I think I already was at LSD over the years, and I have a lot of stories.
00:27:25 ►
But there’s one that’s one of my favorites because it’s an entertaining one, but there’s definitely a spiritual aspect to it.
00:27:32 ►
And I think in particular because it shows how even in the most, you know, quote-unquote profane situations or the most, like, you know, unspiritual settings, we can still have very profound spiritual experiences.
00:27:46 ►
This was back in Toronto many years ago.
00:27:50 ►
I lived on the streets in Toronto,
00:27:51 ►
and one of the ways of coping with living on the streets
00:27:53 ►
was that at the end of the month,
00:27:58 ►
I’d get a hotel for about three days
00:28:00 ►
or maybe a week or something
00:28:01 ►
and just sort of live like a normal human being,
00:28:03 ►
and then that was part of the psychological way of surviving it and and i would and uh one one time
00:28:09 ►
in particular i’d run into some friends and uh they had some i think they had come back from a
00:28:14 ►
dead tour and they had some really good acid and it had been a while and so i got a i got a hotel
00:28:18 ►
room and i grabbed i got some acid from him and i thought oh it’ll be really nice. And I hadn’t done it in a long time.
00:28:26 ►
And when I was younger and I would do acid, I tended to do a lot at a time.
00:28:29 ►
I would do multiple hits.
00:28:30 ►
And this was obviously a very strong acid they had,
00:28:35 ►
and I just didn’t really think about it.
00:28:36 ►
So I got a hotel room in a hotel.
00:28:40 ►
It’s a hotel called the Gladstone in Toronto.
00:28:42 ►
It’s a really run-down sort of hotel with a country and western bar downstairs.
00:28:47 ►
And obvious, like some of the tenants were obvious addicts and things like that.
00:28:54 ►
So it was a real, so I got the room there and I dropped a bunch of really powerful acid
00:29:01 ►
without thinking about how much I was taking.
00:29:03 ►
So set and setting were really not thought out at all in this.
00:29:07 ►
So what began happening, and part of this I didn’t realize was what was going on.
00:29:14 ►
I can just sort of look back and realize what was happening.
00:29:17 ►
But what clearly was going on is as I was starting to get high,
00:29:20 ►
as it was starting to come on, I was, I was saying everything I was thinking out
00:29:25 ►
loud. My, my, my sub vocal thought, it just tuned in and it just been hooked to my mouth and I was
00:29:32 ►
saying everything out loud. And at the time I didn’t realize it, but of course now looking back
00:29:36 ►
on it, I realized like I was on, I was on the fourth floor and I look out the window on the
00:29:40 ►
fourth floor and everyone down the street looks up at me and it didn’t seem odd to me that they
00:29:44 ►
would look up, look up at me, but of course they look up at me because I’m yelling out the
00:29:47 ►
window and I have no idea what what I was saying but uh but whatever I was thinking and I remember
00:29:52 ►
I thought I was in a giant computer and I remember saying something about oh I need a mouse and uh
00:29:57 ►
and and this girl comes from next the room next door and she’s like I’m a mouse I’m a mouse and
00:30:03 ►
and she wanted to and she started totally getting getting my vibe, and she wanted to, like, throw clay, and the thing was, turns out,
00:30:10 ►
she’s the girlfriend of the guy who’s running the hotel, so he comes up and sees what’s going on,
00:30:16 ►
and freaks out, and he goes down, and he gets the bouncer from the Country and Western bar
00:30:22 ►
downstairs, and while this was going on, I went through a real experience.
00:30:27 ►
And I think what had happened was
00:30:28 ►
because I was, you know, I wasn’t,
00:30:34 ►
like I guess I have no constraints
00:30:36 ►
on my thought process or whatever
00:30:37 ►
and everything was coming out.
00:30:38 ►
I think what I did unintentionally
00:30:40 ►
was reverse my kundalini.
00:30:43 ►
And because what happened is
00:30:44 ►
suddenly I found myself up about three or four feet above my head. unintentionally was reverse my kundalini and because because what happened is suddenly i
00:30:45 ►
found myself up about three or four feet above my head um my consciousness was occupying that space
00:30:51 ►
um everything was was color and and sort of emotional tone um and when and and i was up
00:31:00 ►
there and i was kind of like i was like even though you know i was i was clearly up in that
00:31:04 ►
space but a foot or so above my head there was kind of like, even though I was clearly up in that space,
00:31:05 ►
about a foot or so above my head, there was still a forward, like things, I was still looking forward.
00:31:10 ►
But when they came into the room, they came in, and there was two or three of them,
00:31:15 ►
and they were conscious up there too, but they weren’t sort of aware of it.
00:31:21 ►
And when they came in, or they didn’t strike me as being aware of it,
00:31:25 ►
and when they came in, they spoke to me,
00:31:27 ►
and I heard like way down there,
00:31:29 ►
I heard this like sort of low, like,
00:31:30 ►
I couldn’t really understand the words,
00:31:32 ►
but the color and the emotional tone that I felt was very clear.
00:31:38 ►
And so we exchanged, like they came in,
00:31:40 ►
they said something to me,
00:31:41 ►
I felt and saw the color of it,
00:31:44 ►
and I sort of just felt and thought a color back and I heard my mouth way down there going like speaking words I had no
00:31:50 ►
idea what I was saying but I could I could hear it down hear the mumbling down there I realized like
00:31:54 ►
words were being exchanged and then they said something back to me and basically they were
00:31:59 ►
confronting me like I don’t I don’t know what was said but I know they were basically like I was
00:32:03 ►
kind of cornered and they were confronting me and I sort of had the choice it’s like okay I can be polite
00:32:08 ►
and submit and sort of walk out of this but I was tired and it’s like no I’m not going to submit I’m
00:32:12 ►
not so I don’t know what I said back to them but I clearly they confronted me and I challenged them
00:32:17 ►
back and uh and again I can only extrapolate this is what happened afterwards. But I guess what happened is the bouncer was a pretty big guy,
00:32:27 ►
grabbed me by the shoulders and kicked me full in the groin
00:32:30 ►
to try to, because this was his way of dealing with it.
00:32:34 ►
And all I did, I was talking to him while he did it
00:32:37 ►
because I could hear my voice mumbling.
00:32:38 ►
And I just landed in my head and just kept talking to him.
00:32:41 ►
And I didn’t even flinch.
00:32:43 ►
And this guy, like cartoon, his eyes bugged out, his jaw dropped.
00:32:48 ►
He took a step back, and then he’s like, get him out of here.
00:32:50 ►
Like, he was like, I just terrified him.
00:32:53 ►
And I was like, oh, oh, oh, are we going to, you know,
00:32:55 ►
and they’re, like, taking me out.
00:32:56 ►
And I’m like, oh, so where are we going?
00:32:57 ►
And they’re like, oh, no idea.
00:32:59 ►
And they get me out, and they dump me on the street in front of the hotel
00:33:03 ►
with some of my stuff, and I’m standing there,
00:33:04 ►
and it’s sort of, like, coming in waves like like with the synagogue experience
00:33:08 ►
how you sort of and it’s occurring to me what happened and I’m getting and I’m just so I’m
00:33:12 ►
going through through I’m going back and forth from being really calm to like just freaking out
00:33:16 ►
and rage realizing what had gone on and I remember I was standing there raging and a cop car drives
00:33:21 ►
by and I remember the look of fear in the cop’s face when he looked up and saw
00:33:26 ►
me like raging and they didn’t come they they kept going they didn’t come back and I think I think
00:33:30 ►
they were just like okay we get called or whatever but uh but they didn’t they didn’t come back so I
00:33:34 ►
went so I sort of meandered off a bit and I crossed the road and I remember like this is one of the
00:33:40 ►
most like like it’s not really a good thing probably, but I cursed that building, like, with the whole of my being.
00:33:48 ►
I remember turning around and pointing, and there was a full moon,
00:33:51 ►
it was up in the sky, and there was an arc from my finger to the full moon,
00:33:55 ►
to the building.
00:33:55 ►
I don’t know what I said or whatever, but I just remember, like,
00:33:58 ►
just turn around and curse that freaking building.
00:34:01 ►
And then I went off on my, I meandered off into the night, which I have a
00:34:06 ►
fair amount of experience doing on psychedelics. So it wasn’t otherwise pretty out of my mind,
00:34:11 ►
but I managed to, you know, wander through downtown Toronto safely, have a few adventures.
00:34:17 ►
And I ended up out in Scarborough in the morning, which I probably walked all the way across Toronto, I walk a lot anyways and I
00:34:25 ►
can remember walking along
00:34:28 ►
and seeing like way down this road
00:34:30 ►
there was a bench and I was like, ah, so tired
00:34:32 ►
and I saw this bench and I was like, yeah, I’m going to walk down to that bench
00:34:34 ►
and I’m going to sit down, it’s going to feel so good
00:34:35 ►
and I walked and walked and walked
00:34:38 ►
and got to the bench and I sat down and as soon as I sat down
00:34:40 ►
a bird shit on me
00:34:41 ►
right away and I was like, yep
00:34:44 ►
I was meant to be here.
00:34:45 ►
Yep, this is the place.
00:34:47 ►
And then sort of the,
00:34:49 ►
and then it just kind of flashes from that.
00:34:51 ►
And I guess what I,
00:34:52 ►
then the next thing I remember,
00:34:54 ►
I’m out back of a Max
00:34:55 ►
and I was really dehydrated
00:34:57 ►
and I guess they’d cleaned out the ice thing
00:34:59 ►
from the machine and it was on the ground.
00:35:01 ►
And I was like, I remember like licking,
00:35:03 ►
like on my hands and knees licking this ice because I was like so dehydrated it’s a hot day hot day and then I
00:35:09 ►
walked down to the lakefront and in Scarborough they have something called the Scarborough Bluffs
00:35:13 ►
and it’s these huge huge bluffs that are like 100 feet high or and and the like I walked to the top
00:35:20 ►
of them and I remember like looking down and like oh yeah I want to go venture down I started to
00:35:24 ►
walk down and the the thing is they’re dirt and then they’re clay and so I walked down about five
00:35:28 ►
feet and then and then I started to slide I did a one foot slide all the way down this bluff
00:35:33 ►
couldn’t have done it if I tried if I’d done it one foot all the way down and landed landed in
00:35:39 ►
this fresh piece of big amount of clay that had fallen off landed like looking back up and here’s this beautiful
00:35:46 ►
bluff and there’s this scar all
00:35:47 ►
the way down and it’s like yeah
00:35:49 ►
yeah that was me and
00:35:51 ►
and then and that’s and then
00:35:53 ►
on and then so I’m sitting on the beach and it’s
00:35:56 ►
the like it’s it’s
00:35:57 ►
like the sun hasn’t come on the beach
00:35:59 ►
there and I
00:36:01 ►
I got it in my head somehow that I’m a vampire
00:36:04 ►
and I’m waiting for the sun’m waiting for this like I’m just
00:36:06 ►
like I’m trapped on this beach I like basically fell down this cliff I can’t get back up there’s
00:36:11 ►
there’s uh there’s you know there’s nothing either either way that I can go and so I’m just sitting
00:36:16 ►
waiting for the sun to come up and burn me off the face of the earth and I’m just like yeah I’m
00:36:20 ►
screwed there’s nothing I can do and uh and I remember and it’s funny because I had forgotten
00:36:24 ►
all about this I was telling my friend this story it’s funny because I had forgotten all about this.
00:36:25 ►
I was telling my friend this story the other day,
00:36:26 ►
and I had forgotten all about this guy.
00:36:29 ►
But this old guy and his dog came walking along.
00:36:32 ►
And I remember really having that thing of like,
00:36:36 ►
oh, feeling like God was dropping by and just going,
00:36:40 ►
so how’s it going? What’s going on?
00:36:41 ►
Come by with his dog, you know, and seeing.
00:36:44 ►
And we talked for a bit
00:36:46 ►
and I can’t remember the conversation now
00:36:48 ►
so I’m going to have to think about it some more
00:36:49 ►
because I totally forgot about him being there
00:36:52 ►
and then after that
00:36:54 ►
and then he went and then the sun
00:36:56 ►
the sun rose and I didn’t
00:36:58 ►
burn away
00:37:00 ►
and so I realized I guess
00:37:02 ►
oh I guess I wasn’t, or maybe that was God
00:37:04 ►
and he just came and un-vampired me, oh, I guess I wasn’t, or maybe that was God and he just came and, you know,
00:37:06 ►
un-vampired me or, you know, could have been, I don’t know.
00:37:10 ►
Try to keep the possibilities open, I guess.
00:37:13 ►
But after that, I just basically went
00:37:15 ►
and found my way into some construction site
00:37:19 ►
where they were building a building
00:37:20 ►
and wrapped myself up in insulation
00:37:21 ►
and slept for like two days.
00:37:23 ►
I was exhausted.
00:37:25 ►
I could hear the security guard going by,
00:37:27 ►
and I was wondering because my feet were sticking out of this roll of insulation,
00:37:30 ►
and I was waiting for someone to get called, right?
00:37:32 ►
I don’t know if he ever saw me or if he just like, oh, okay, whatever.
00:37:36 ►
But yeah, I just, you know, and then a couple days,
00:37:39 ►
I kind of got myself back together,
00:37:41 ►
and I went back to the hotel to try to get some of my stuff,
00:37:44 ►
and that guy would not look me in the eye like you like like I like it’s sort of a like he was
00:37:49 ►
probably a dick like to be honest but I feel bad like it it’s it was part of an experience but I
00:37:55 ►
realized I put fear into him like I like I made him afraid of me I didn’t like I didn’t make him
00:38:01 ►
you know he wasn’t like wow that was a really incredible spiritual thing you had or whatever
00:38:03 ►
like I put fear into him.
00:38:05 ►
And I mean, he brought it on himself
00:38:08 ►
by choosing to assault me.
00:38:10 ►
You know, if he’d done something else, he might not have been
00:38:12 ►
so terrifying in that. But I remember
00:38:13 ►
when I, like, feeling
00:38:15 ►
a little big about it after, like, oh,
00:38:18 ►
you know, that kind of thing. But the time
00:38:20 ►
I really thought about it, and I thought, yeah, it’s kind of
00:38:22 ►
sad in a way, because I really did.
00:38:24 ►
Like, it put fear into him. It didn’t, you know, I don’t think it, I thought yeah it’s kind of it’s sad in a way because I really did like I put it put fear into him
00:38:25 ►
it didn’t you know I don’t think it
00:38:27 ►
like maybe he reflected on it
00:38:29 ►
and he changed as a person as a result of it
00:38:31 ►
or something I don’t know so maybe something
00:38:33 ►
that way but I find
00:38:35 ►
it’s I like
00:38:37 ►
you know that’s one of my favorite
00:38:39 ►
stories one of my favorite experiences because I think it’s
00:38:41 ►
it really does show like even in the most
00:38:43 ►
unexpected situations and not necessarily the best setting or whatever is one of my favorite experiences because I think it’s it really does show like even in the most unexpected
00:38:45 ►
situations and not necessarily
00:38:47 ►
the best setting or whatever
00:38:49 ►
profound spiritual things can still
00:38:51 ►
occur and you know
00:38:53 ►
again like to me now looking
00:38:55 ►
back on it I clearly occupied my crown
00:38:57 ►
chakra and when I look at
00:38:59 ►
the ideas with kundalini
00:39:01 ►
and that when you meditate the idea is to
00:39:03 ►
reverse the flow of your kundalini so it’s you meditate the idea is to to reverse your flow
00:39:05 ►
to kundalini so it’s going upwards and i think again i think i just spontaneously did that one
00:39:10 ►
time on lsd and now like i now have i have the memory of that consciousness and and it’s something
00:39:15 ►
i was you know i want to try to meditate and get back to sometime or try again but but for me
00:39:20 ►
there’s no doubt of it being there there’s no no real, you know, it’s not a question anymore.
00:39:26 ►
But yeah, I think that’s basically the whole tale.
00:39:43 ►
I used to take out a lot of canoe trips.
00:39:46 ►
I used to guide wilderness trips.
00:39:48 ►
And after many years of doing that, I decided, well, I went with some friends out into Algonquin Park, which is Ontario.
00:39:54 ►
It’s a big park.
00:39:56 ►
It’s got over 300 lakes in it.
00:39:58 ►
It’s beautiful.
00:39:58 ►
I know the park like the back of my hand.
00:40:00 ►
It feels like home.
00:40:03 ►
So it was like four buddies we all had we had
00:40:06 ►
two canoes we set out on a canoe trip and we had some LSD with us so we come
00:40:15 ►
with the way it works is you have an access point lake we go to the access
00:40:19 ►
point like we paddle through the lake we get to our first end of the lake we’re
00:40:23 ►
gonna do our first portage so before the portage we all take L lake, we get to our first end of the lake, we’re going to do our first portage. So before the portage, we all take LSD, and we’re going to go into portage through,
00:40:31 ►
it was actually a kilometer portage, you got a carrier canoe for one kilometer,
00:40:35 ►
which is about 0.6 of a mile for the Americans there.
00:40:40 ►
And when you get to the other side, it was a lake called Butt Lake,
00:40:43 ►
and it was, we used to say, it was so beautiful you could smoke a butt.
00:40:47 ►
That’s the guys who liked and enjoyed smoking butts, which I didn’t.
00:40:50 ►
But it was a beautiful lake with all this beautiful greenery.
00:40:55 ►
And so we did the doses.
00:41:00 ►
We got all our packs ready, unpacked the canoes.
00:41:03 ►
Everyone got their stuff.
00:41:04 ►
I put a canoe
00:41:05 ►
on my back and i’m very good at portaging where i used to be and i start walking and my motto when
00:41:14 ►
i portage a canoe is to never put down the canoe until i get to the other side even if i have to
00:41:18 ►
slow down so i start going and everything’s normal got Got a good pace. I’ve left everyone behind.
00:41:26 ►
About 200-300 meters into the portage,
00:41:30 ►
things start getting really beautiful.
00:41:33 ►
Like the forest picked up its greenery like no one’s business.
00:41:38 ►
It got greener and greener
00:41:40 ►
and it seemed like the trees were spreading out
00:41:42 ►
so there was all this room.
00:41:44 ►
Each tree had an individual kind of feel to it and I just kept on walking but I was like I think I
00:41:51 ►
was walking really slowly at this point like just looking around and I eventually had to say yeah
00:41:58 ►
no I gotta put down this canoe so I put down the canoe and I’m starting looking around and I kind of didn’t want to go anywhere.
00:42:07 ►
I kind of wanted to just explore the forest off the trail.
00:42:13 ►
Luckily, I have a bit of meta-awareness that sticks with me on most trips.
00:42:17 ►
And it was like, okay, you can’t just wander into the forest and leave your canoe on the trail.
00:42:22 ►
So after a little bit of appreciation of the green forest, I got
00:42:27 ►
back to the canoe. I put the canoe back on. I jammed the canoe between two trees, so it
00:42:31 ►
wasn’t hard to put back on. I put it back on, and I keep on going to the end of the
00:42:37 ►
trail. And it took me a long time, actually. I think I might have stopped a couple more times to appreciate you know the
00:42:46 ►
shrubs and the trees and the leaves on the ground and I get to the end of the portage trail and
00:42:54 ►
there’s the lake the lake that I’ve always thought was beautiful but it’s totally different it is
00:43:00 ►
magnificent and the water is glistening, and I’m in awe.
00:43:06 ►
And basically, I have to put down the canoe and just pay homage to the lake.
00:43:11 ►
It was a deep connection to nature and just appreciating it there.
00:43:17 ►
I had to walk right into the lake and kind of baptize myself.
00:43:23 ►
and kind of baptize myself.
00:43:31 ►
And yeah, I mean, there’s quite a lot more that happened on that day,
00:43:35 ►
and I had to wait, but the essence of my story is really the incredible appreciation I had for nature
00:43:40 ►
and the way it impacted me in such a deep way.
00:43:44 ►
And a lake that I’ve journeyed
00:43:47 ►
through many times seemed completely different but otherworldly.
00:43:51 ►
So it was a wonderful experience.
00:43:54 ►
Thanks.
00:44:08 ►
My name is Robert.
00:44:13 ►
I’m currently working on a kind of a philosophy of life thing of how I want to actually live my life being intentional
00:44:16 ►
and figure out who I am and what kind of beliefs I have and all of that.
00:44:22 ►
And I use LSD to kind of experience different ways that we can experience things
00:44:31 ►
and can understand and have experiences that open up what we can actually do
00:44:41 ►
with our brains and our experience and all of that.
00:44:44 ►
what we can actually do with our brains and our experience and all of that.
00:44:53 ►
So one time I like to walk around the waterfront from between Ross Bay and Ogden Point because it’s kind of beautiful around here.
00:44:57 ►
And so I go down there one time, and usually I’m listening to music all the time, just this really, really slowed down music that is really, at the same time, soothing and invigorating.
00:45:11 ►
And at this point, I didn’t have that music with me.
00:45:16 ►
So I’m at the beach, and for whatever reason, my mind just goes to, well, I’m living now.
00:45:26 ►
What happens after?
00:45:29 ►
So I’m ruminating on death
00:45:31 ►
and the end of conscious experience and everything.
00:45:35 ►
And I’m lying on the beach,
00:45:37 ►
and over time it starts feeling like it’s,
00:45:42 ►
like time is just compounding
00:45:44 ►
as it’s feeling like time is just compounding, as it’s feeling recursive that whatever time that I’ve felt in the space of a breath
00:45:51 ►
has gone into seasons or years,
00:45:57 ►
or eventually it feels like my body has just decayed into the beach,
00:46:04 ►
and there’s just nothing left of
00:46:05 ►
myself and so I go into this for a little while and I start coming out of
00:46:11 ►
it and somehow my perspective and it has completely shifted my headspace has gone
00:46:16 ►
into a world where meaning does not exist that it’s an incoherent concept
00:46:22 ►
not just that it isn’t something that I can
00:46:26 ►
personally find, that it’s a universe that none of it exists. So I’m in this headspace for a little
00:46:34 ►
while, start walking back towards home, and I’m in this for hours and hours, and of course on LSD that feels like a really long time. Eventually
00:46:48 ►
I get home and I’m actually worried at this point that this is going to be my experience
00:46:56 ►
of the world because I’ve never had a bad experience on LSD before but I couldn’t figure
00:47:04 ►
out how to wrap my head around the idea
00:47:06 ►
that if this is actually the way that I’m experiencing things, is this actually a true
00:47:12 ►
concept? Is this something that I’m going to have to live my life based on? So I go home and I can’t
00:47:19 ►
actually figure it out. I’m trying to work through the problem in my head doing a very rationalist deductive kind of side of things and it’s sort of working if I’m not really
00:47:30 ►
getting to where I’m trying to get to and in all of this and so I feel like I
00:47:36 ►
really need to relax and get back into my music so I smoke a little bit of marijuana, lie on the bed, put the headphones in,
00:47:46 ►
and whatever happened between that point and waking up
00:47:52 ►
completely shifted the headspace all the way around.
00:47:57 ►
And at the same time as it felt like it was a ridiculously long time again,
00:48:05 ►
I know that it was probably like five or six minutes, maybe eight at the most.
00:48:10 ►
So at that point, I also do meditation on occasion,
00:48:18 ►
and I kind of got into that headspace again,
00:48:21 ►
I kind of got into that headspace again,
00:48:26 ►
where it’s just letting things go through me as opposed to really, really getting into the idea of things,
00:48:31 ►
just letting them go through.
00:48:33 ►
And I felt like the stretching of time again
00:48:40 ►
to the point where whatever one train of thought would be or whatever one breath would
00:48:47 ►
be it just collapsed the entire space and time all of that together took you know at this point it
00:48:59 ►
it didn’t even feel like years anymore it felt like eons and so that was really interesting but
00:49:06 ►
the point was that i’d gotten to this this headspace where my normal experience of things
00:49:14 ►
just didn’t exist anymore so almost in the meditative state there was nothing that i was
00:49:22 ►
experiencing i didn’t hear the music i I didn’t feel my body. I
00:49:26 ►
didn’t, you know, feel my own consciousness at that point. There was just nothingness. And it
00:49:33 ►
seemed to kind of mirror what I had been internalizing before. But after a little while,
00:49:42 ►
I started seeing these little, almost tracers,
00:49:46 ►
like little squiggly lines, almost like neurons firing.
00:49:49 ►
And then as those started going, they started a chain reaction going off.
00:49:54 ►
And then at one point I remembered, okay, I can move a finger.
00:50:00 ►
That’s actually, there’s a tie between my experience and something else, something external to my actual experience of things.
00:50:10 ►
So I go through the, I go, I try to explore that, and eventually I can move multiple fingers separate from each other,
00:50:18 ►
and then I remember that I was breathing.
00:50:21 ►
I remember that I was breathing.
00:50:24 ►
I remember I come back into that experience, and from beforehand, one breath being a year or whatever,
00:50:31 ►
felt like that was something that I had come back to,
00:50:35 ►
and then that entire time has been encapsulated in that last breath.
00:50:40 ►
And so I come into that re-awareness that I was breathing,
00:50:47 ►
and then with my eyes still closed,
00:50:50 ►
I could feel like I remembered that vision was a thing,
00:50:54 ►
and that I could move my eyes behind my eyelids
00:50:57 ►
without even seeing the world outside me,
00:50:59 ►
but not just that there was vision,
00:51:02 ►
but that there was a self that was experiencing things, the eye behind the eye, I suppose.
00:51:12 ►
And after all of that started coming together, I felt my body as a physical thing, that everything had come back to being connected.
00:51:23 ►
that everything had come back to being connected and that emptiness that I had felt at the beginning of it
00:51:28 ►
had been completely replaced with this overwhelming…
00:51:35 ►
It wasn’t the usual awe that I would experience at a landscape
00:51:40 ►
or being at the waterfront or something like that. This was more of an intense realization of self and of identity and connection and elation
00:51:56 ►
that all of these things were actually tied together.
00:52:00 ►
And whatever it was that I was feeling, that was actually connected to not just my brain space, but the rest of the physical world around me.
00:52:10 ►
So whatever I had been trying to work through in this really deductive, rationalist kind of sense had finally actually been internalized.
00:52:22 ►
That meaning existed again.
00:52:22 ►
finally actually been internalized that meaning existed
00:52:23 ►
again, that I was coming back
00:52:26 ►
into a world that
00:52:27 ►
whatever
00:52:29 ►
an experience was, that
00:52:31 ►
that mattered.
00:52:33 ►
And bringing all that
00:52:36 ►
together, I mean,
00:52:38 ►
it was
00:52:40 ►
just amazing.
00:52:41 ►
So, I think that’s about it.
00:52:44 ►
Thank you. just amazing so I think that’s about it
00:52:56 ►
this is from before I kind of got around to Groff and now my stories aren’t
00:53:01 ►
quite as interesting but but there was a time where they really got away from me
00:53:07 ►
and made for decent stories.
00:53:10 ►
This is one of those.
00:53:11 ►
It was on Halloween, which I learned after a few Halloweens
00:53:15 ►
was always one sure way to start a multifaceted trip.
00:53:24 ►
So yeah, it was Halloween, and I was just getting ready.
00:53:28 ►
I was getting together my costume,
00:53:31 ►
and I was putting together this costume because for a couple years,
00:53:35 ►
my girlfriend had ideas to do these couples’ costumes,
00:53:40 ►
and I would have planned my costume all ahead of time,
00:53:44 ►
and then it would be just a couple days before Halloween, she’s like, oh, let’s do this, I’m like,
00:53:48 ►
oh, I’ve already got my costume together, you know, I see that you’re, you know, you want to be,
00:53:54 ►
you know, Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction, but, you know, I’ve already got this Happy Gilmore costume,
00:54:00 ►
so, you know, it just didn’t work, and the and, but we went for it, and then, then the
00:54:06 ►
year after that, she wanted to be, to be Wayne from Wayne’s World, and she’s like, you can
00:54:12 ►
be Garth, but I was like, I’ve already got this hobbit costume put together, so we went
00:54:16 ►
out as, like, Wayne and a hobbit, and so this, this year, I was like, okay, I’m gonna, I’m
00:54:21 ►
gonna do, we’re gonna do this couple’s costume for sure, and she’s like, okay, I want, she didn’t tell me what she was gonna be, but
00:54:27 ►
she said, I want you to be, be, be a fisherman, and I was like, okay, yeah, like, that’s cool,
00:54:32 ►
like, I can, I can pull that together, so I was like, around my house gathering up items,
00:54:35 ►
you know, I found some gumboots, and like, this oil skin coat, and like, a plaid shirt,
00:54:40 ►
and it was coming together, I found this weird kind of like half straw hat, half cowboy hat that was really like cartoonish. And then I was like, oh, I need some kind
00:54:50 ►
of a prop. And I remember that I had this telescoping fishing rod that was, you know,
00:54:55 ►
it was just like, it was shortened to about that long. And I put like a bobber, like a
00:55:00 ►
little red and white bobber on the end of it. And yeah, it was like the caricature of
00:55:04 ►
a fisherman. It was like this very cartoonish thing. I on the end of it. And yeah, it was like the caricature of a fisherman.
00:55:06 ►
It was like this very cartoonish thing.
00:55:07 ►
I was really happy with it.
00:55:11 ►
I got this phone call from my buddy Sean,
00:55:12 ►
and we’re planning on going to this party.
00:55:14 ►
It’s all set, and they’re his friends,
00:55:16 ►
who I kind of know a little bit.
00:55:17 ►
But he calls me up to tell me,
00:55:20 ►
hey, are you all ready for this party?
00:55:22 ►
I was like, yeah, I’m ready to go.
00:55:23 ►
And he’s like, good,
00:55:29 ►
because they just changed it to a nautical theme. I was like, oh, perfect, you know, I’ve got this fisherman costume,
00:55:33 ►
this is working out nicely. And he’s like, yeah, yeah, he’s like, I got some stuff to do, but they need, there’s one thing the guys need, they need some seaweed. Would you be
00:55:38 ►
able to go down and grab, like, some seaweed on the way to the party. I was like, yeah, sure, you know, try to contribute a
00:55:45 ►
bit. So I went down to the ocean, filled a bunch up, like filled up like this big bucket
00:55:52 ►
and like came back to my house. And my girlfriend Kira, she was in the bathroom getting her
00:56:00 ►
costume together. And I was like, okay, I’m going to go bring the seaweed over. And she’s
00:56:04 ►
like, okay, I’ll meet you there later. She’s like, can you leave some of that seaweed
00:56:07 ►
here? And I was like, yeah, okay, sure, sure. And I just left a bunch in like a bowl in the kitchen
00:56:12 ►
and took off. I show up at the party. I’m the first person there other than the people that
00:56:18 ►
live in the house. It’s still, you know, like maybe like seven or something. And it’s not dark yet.
00:56:24 ►
And they’ve got these tables set up with these objects on them,
00:56:27 ►
and there’s this kiddie pool, and they’re like,
00:56:29 ►
oh, you made it, oh, you brought the seaweed,
00:56:31 ►
throw it in the pool, it’s for the trials.
00:56:34 ►
And they’re doing all this in a pirate accent,
00:56:35 ►
because everyone that lives in the house is dressed up as pirates.
00:56:39 ►
Like, ah, you know, throw it in the bin.
00:56:43 ►
I haven’t practiced my pirate accent for a while.
00:56:48 ►
But, so I was like, okay, cool.
00:56:50 ►
And then I see that they’ve got these trials set up for anyone who comes to the party.
00:56:55 ►
I just sort of pour it in there.
00:56:57 ►
There’s all this water in there already.
00:56:58 ►
It’s just like this little kiddie pool like that.
00:57:00 ►
Now it’s all full of this slimy seaweed.
00:57:02 ►
And I go up there, up to the deck.
00:57:05 ►
It’s like the back deck of the house.
00:57:07 ►
It looks just like the deck of a boat.
00:57:09 ►
There’s the banister and the railings.
00:57:11 ►
And they’re all sitting up there.
00:57:13 ►
And they’re like, ah, you’re right on time.
00:57:15 ►
We’re just about to drop anchor.
00:57:17 ►
And he hands me this little piece of paper with a little blue anchor on it.
00:57:25 ►
So we all follow suit.
00:57:29 ►
And, yeah, and then things kind of get a little awkward
00:57:34 ►
because I don’t know these people, and I’m like, okay, okay.
00:57:36 ►
So I kind of like sit aside on the little deck outside the house
00:57:40 ►
and, you know, roll a fat joint right off the bat,
00:57:43 ►
which is like a bad idea, I’ve
00:57:45 ►
learned. It really kicks things into gear. Things start rolling right away, and people
00:57:51 ►
start showing up. The head captain, or the captain of the pirates, he’s like, okay, everyone
00:58:01 ►
must complete the trials. He’s like, come over here so the first couple people that come in
00:58:05 ►
he brings them to this table
00:58:07 ►
he makes them untie their shoes
00:58:09 ►
take them off, take off their socks, roll up their pants
00:58:11 ►
and step into this kiddie pool
00:58:13 ►
whereupon they then have to reach into these two
00:58:16 ►
kind of like shrouded
00:58:18 ►
containers
00:58:19 ►
one’s a fishbowl and one’s like this box
00:58:22 ►
that actually has like a clear glass
00:58:24 ►
on the back
00:58:25 ►
so that the pirates can watch what the person’s hand is doing.
00:58:29 ►
So they put one hand into the other, one into one, one into the other,
00:58:33 ►
and they’re fishing around because they’ve been told that there’s treasure at the bottom of these.
00:58:39 ►
And the wet one, there are slimy, wriggly things in there.
00:58:43 ►
And yet people persist and try to find the little ring that’s in the bottom, and
00:58:47 ►
the other one is like, dry and sandy, but there are the other scaly, wriggling things
00:58:52 ►
in there, but you have to find both, both treasures to, you know, while standing in
00:58:56 ►
the pool to enter the party. So, you know, so I’m like, wow, these people have really
00:59:01 ►
like, they’ve really gone all out, and like like, they’ve put a lot into this party.
00:59:05 ►
This is, like, impressive.
00:59:07 ►
And then I’m thinking, oh, like, I haven’t, I didn’t do the trials, but I’m already up here.
00:59:13 ►
Like, what, you know, am I part of the pirates?
00:59:16 ►
I’m, like, having this, like, minor identity crisis.
00:59:19 ►
It’s starting, starting to build.
00:59:21 ►
But, um, so I occupy myself just by, like, with the flick of the wrist,
00:59:26 ►
I, like, send this fishing rod out, and it totally, like, telescopes out to being about
00:59:30 ►
eight feet long, and I’ve got the, the bail that I could just sort of release, and so
00:59:37 ►
I drop this bobber down right in front of, like, the head of the person who’s currently
00:59:42 ►
executing the trials. I think they were wearing
00:59:45 ►
this cardboard shark costume with
00:59:48 ►
the nose coming off of here.
00:59:49 ►
I dropped it down right in front of their forehead.
00:59:53 ►
First it was just in front of them
00:59:54 ►
and then I brought it closer and closer, just thinking
00:59:56 ►
that it was
00:59:57 ►
not even really thinking they would notice, whatever.
01:00:00 ►
But they didn’t notice at all.
01:00:02 ►
They were so intent on this task
01:00:04 ►
that I was actually
01:00:05 ►
able to like hit them with this bobber like in the forehead and they weren’t even noticing at all
01:00:11 ►
and i’ve got these pirates cracking up beside me and i was like oh yeah this is this is my part
01:00:15 ►
here you know i’m just gonna play the fisherman and you know keep keep you know bobbing jigging
01:00:20 ►
away at these people so people keep coming in, and there’s some pretty good costumes.
01:00:26 ►
There was this one,
01:00:27 ►
there was like,
01:00:29 ►
it was a clownfish,
01:00:31 ►
but it was just a clown
01:00:32 ►
who clearly got the same message
01:00:34 ►
as I did really late,
01:00:35 ►
and they just drew some gills
01:00:36 ►
onto their neck.
01:00:38 ►
That’s pretty clever.
01:00:40 ►
So I was really enjoying
01:00:42 ►
watching these people come in,
01:00:44 ►
but the effects are starting to take hold, and I feel like I’m leaning over this deck and fishing, and I hear like a seagull shriek over top.
01:01:09 ►
I’m like, wow, this stuff is really, really kicking in.
01:01:12 ►
And then I hear this high-pitched shriek,
01:01:15 ►
like this scream that’s coming from my friends.
01:01:19 ►
The guy who’s running the party, he’s got this little keyboard
01:01:23 ►
that has all these screams programmed into it that is running on top of this chip track that he’s got, like, piped through the
01:01:30 ►
speakers. So I’m like, okay, okay, this is, you know, ground myself a little bit. But
01:01:38 ►
now I’m back in the idea that, like, this is such, like, there’s such effort put into
01:01:42 ►
this party, you know, I really need to start giving back,
01:01:45 ►
and, like, getting something, like, what is my duty as the pirate?
01:01:48 ►
Am I supposed to actually be catching the right fish to bring in?
01:01:52 ►
And so now I’m, like, now I’m beset with this responsibility that is, like, building up in my head,
01:01:58 ►
and then, you know, different people are coming in, and I’m trying to catch them now,
01:02:04 ►
and I’m, like, and I’m sending this ball,
01:02:06 ►
trying to make it really obvious,
01:02:07 ►
and no one can see this thing at all.
01:02:10 ►
No one can feel it, nothing.
01:02:12 ►
And then I hear some rustling.
01:02:15 ►
There’s this ivy arch that everyone was entering through,
01:02:19 ►
so it was a real entrance, just like a hedge,
01:02:20 ►
and then a person would pop up,
01:02:22 ►
and I see someone duck through
01:02:23 ►
and come out with these big, like majestic, like wings, like huge, like five foot wings,
01:02:30 ►
and it’s my friend Sean who invited me to the party, and I was like, oh, good, you’re
01:02:35 ►
like a friend who I know really well, he’s here, I can kind of connect with him, and
01:02:41 ►
I’m like, but what is he dressed, what is that, like, is he a dove, or
01:02:45 ►
like a fallen angel, or something, I was like, is he a bald eagle, because he’s pretty short on hair,
01:02:53 ►
and he’s kind of sensitive about it, so I didn’t think he was pulling that joke, but I was like,
01:02:57 ►
I don’t know what he is, but like, I’m gonna fucking catch him, I know he’s in, I’m gonna
01:03:01 ►
catch him, bring him in, this will be a good, a good move. So he takes off his shoes, you know, completes the trials. And then as he’s
01:03:10 ►
like starting to mount the stairs, I kind of drop this bobber down underneath his wing
01:03:16 ►
and like just kind of snag him, right? And like kind of drag him as he’s walking up the
01:03:21 ►
stairs. I kind of like pull him along and he sees what I’m doing and laughs. And all the pirates laugh and everything.
01:03:26 ►
And then I see that, like, all over his wings, there’s, like, blood.
01:03:31 ►
Like, they’re all kind of ruffled and crumpled.
01:03:33 ►
And there’s actually, like, blood smears all over it.
01:03:36 ►
And I was like, oh, is he, I don’t know, like, a seagull?
01:03:41 ►
I don’t know.
01:03:42 ►
And I asked him.
01:03:43 ►
He’s like, dead bird.
01:03:46 ►
I’m a dead bird. I’m like, okay,
01:03:51 ►
that, like, that strikes me, it’s like, feels really dark at the moment, and I’ve just hooked this dead bird, and then this, this lobster guy who’s dressed up behind me, he’s got, like, this,
01:03:57 ►
like, striped shirt, and, like, these little lobster things, and, like, two of those lobster
01:04:01 ►
oven mitts, like, lobster claw oven mitts he’s got, And he’s like, he’s like, that’s an albatross. He’s like, you just snagged an albatross.
01:04:11 ►
And I was like, oh, he’s like, that’s the worst omen any fisherman could ever have.
01:04:16 ►
He’s like, that is like, I knew a guy once who was out on a fishing boat and someone snagged an albatross
01:04:23 ►
and they didn’t cut the line. He brought it all the way into the boat, and by the time they got it in, it was dead, and
01:04:29 ►
the boat stayed out, the boat, they went to move to the next spot, and the engine was
01:04:33 ►
dead, all the electronics on the boat were dead, they spent days out there trying to
01:04:37 ►
get this boat back in running condition, all because of this albatross, and it’s well known
01:04:41 ►
that the albatross is like a terrible omen. So I’m
01:04:45 ►
like, oh, what have I done now? Like, oh man, I brought my friend who I thought was welcome
01:04:51 ►
here, but he’s actually the omen, and I brought him up here, and it’s all really bad, and
01:04:57 ►
I’m thinking about that, and then the pirate captain comes up, he’s like, like ah you got any keepers and i’m like ah no and then for some reason
01:05:06 ►
there’s this little flash and i remember sean telling me once about how
01:05:13 ►
he had this group of friends who were really into like like swinging and group sex and just having
01:05:20 ►
sex with each other all the time and i i kind of noticed that like the pirate wenches have been kind of like showing like maybe more skin over the course
01:05:30 ►
of the night. And I kind of looked back and now everyone, all these pirates behind me
01:05:35 ►
are so like lurid and just, there’s like, they’re all looking at me with this look.
01:05:41 ►
And I don’t know if it’s about the albatross, or if it’s this other thing that’s just starting to get traction in my mind.
01:05:49 ►
And then someone, one of the pirates yells, oh yeah, catch another one, catch one for yourself.
01:05:57 ►
And that seals it, I’m like, oh man.
01:05:58 ►
Okay, so I’ve been participating in some sort of…
01:06:05 ►
I’ve been bringing these people in.
01:06:08 ►
I’m selecting people for this orgy.
01:06:11 ►
And now it’s my turn to select my own partner.
01:06:16 ►
And so then guests keep coming.
01:06:20 ►
And I’m like, I’m not moving the rod away from them.
01:06:26 ►
I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t want to give
01:06:28 ►
the wrong impression, and then
01:06:29 ►
this dog, this guy
01:06:32 ►
dressed up as a dog comes, he shows up
01:06:34 ►
and he sees the bobber, and he’s like
01:06:36 ►
and he starts going for it
01:06:38 ►
and I’m like, oh no, no
01:06:40 ►
and he keeps like, going for
01:06:42 ►
this bobber, and
01:06:44 ►
I’m like, ah, no.
01:06:45 ►
I’m trying to be playful about it.
01:06:47 ►
But he ends up being like, come on, man.
01:06:50 ►
He just wanted to get the ball.
01:06:52 ►
And I wouldn’t let him.
01:06:56 ►
And it was like, this beautiful mermaid came in.
01:07:00 ►
And I’m like, ah, no.
01:07:01 ►
I can’t do this.
01:07:03 ►
And then all of a sudden, there, the, there’s rustling at the, at the bush again, and, like, this, like, this, like,
01:07:10 ►
sea green, like, monstery, kind of scaly, like, really, like, just up from the depths
01:07:19 ►
of the ocean kind of creature, like, walks in and, like, kind of, like, skulking in and,
01:07:24 ►
you know, like, without any hesitation, kind of, like, takes off its, its shoes and, like, walks in and, like, kind of, like, skulking in and, you know,
01:07:25 ►
like, without any hesitation, kind of, like, takes off its shoes and, like, steps into
01:07:30 ►
the, into the, into the seaweed no problem and just, like, digs into these things without
01:07:35 ►
even, like, you know, no hesitation, you know, just grabbing, grabbing the one treasure,
01:07:40 ►
grabbing the next one, getting it, and I’m just, like, watching when the monster turns
01:07:44 ►
around and sees this bobber and just reaches out and grabs it with its getting it and i’m just like watching when the monster turns around
01:07:45 ►
and sees this bobber and just reaches out and grabs it with its mouth and i’m like oh okay and
01:07:52 ►
then i bring it like closer to the stairs and it starts coming up the stairs and i look i look at
01:07:58 ►
the like monster’s like long green hair and it’s actual like seaweed that is like woven into this monster’s hair,
01:08:06 ►
and I look a little bit closer at their face, and I’m like so relieved to see my girlfriend
01:08:15 ►
in this costume, and that I finally selected her from the ocean and like brought her up
01:08:24 ►
the stairs and into the party, and we joined the ocean and, like, brought her up the stairs and into the party.
01:08:26 ►
And we joined the party and everything.
01:08:29 ►
Yeah, I had a whole night after that.
01:08:30 ►
Yeah.
01:08:33 ►
Thanks again for listening to Symposia on the Psychedelic Salon 2.0.
01:08:43 ►
Do us a favor.
01:08:45 ►
Go to iTunes or Stitcher and leave a rating or review.
01:08:48 ►
Tell your friends.
01:08:49 ►
That’s how you can really help us out.
01:08:52 ►
Thanks to Matt Payne who engineered the sound,
01:08:54 ►
Joey Wipp for the intro music,
01:08:56 ►
California Smile for the outro music,
01:08:58 ►
and Brian Norman who produced the show.